We are all very much aware of the state of our country. Most of the working class citizens of the United States – myself included – sit idly and wait for the President to do his job and rescue us from our imminent demise. But I have recently learned of a secret that I shall share with my audience: the President is only human. Therefore, I step up from my position as also and equally human and take on the task of creating a solution.
In spite of – or because of – the withering economy, the high costs of peaceful breathing and few hours of good night’s sleep, I propose some change. Because of the frightening ratio of dead men to working men, the percentage of sleep-aids increasing, the equally terrifying ratio of tire swings to nooses, the images of little boys and girls with bruises, I propose some change. Because I am human and you are human and he and she and we ALL are humans,
I
propose this change. I know that the state we, as a nation, are in is one that can not be easily contained and exterminated, but upon studying the various ways past leaders have organized our land, I have come up with a theory that should not and will not be dismissed. Instead, it will be remembered for its salvation, its prosperity, and its practicality.
Without further ado, I humbly propose – with this nation’s wellbeing in mind – that we pixelize our lives. And despite the expensive language previously employed, I mean this literally.
It is my contention that the only way to live our lives would be to do so online. Human interaction has only proven to be dangerous and destructive; the only way to rid ourselves of these – go straight to the source.
I propose that every man, woman, and child over the age of 6 creates a pseudonym online. Attached to this name will be the following: an avatar, a profile, a virtual town that one lives in, a vehicle of one’s choice (of course children receive bicycles or scooters), a bank account based on points, and finally, the universal instant messaging system AIM. All of these shall be used instead of real names, real towns, real vehicles, real currency, and telephones.
If you are not yet convinced to my position, I present to you a few benefits of my plan:
1. Freedom from Currency. No longer will money rule us; we shall salvage the little bit of sanity left from this recession and finally let go of ALL currency. The dollar will be a souvenir from the past and we will worship the Bank of Kudos, where points are received and deducted for everyday activities and crimes. If you mow your e-lawn – plus 4 points. If you pummel your e-wife – minus 1 point. These points can be used anywhere such as e-Burger Kings, e-universities, e-zoos, and even! e-Pleasure Chests.
2. Freedom of Leisure. No longer will careers monopolize our time; we shall remove all jobs and level the playing field. The wealthy, the poor, the students, the homeless will ALL be unemployed. As previously stated, money will no longer depend on the profession but on the heart and actions; therefore, jobs will be of no importance. Stay-at-home will be every human beings title! Imagine all the time one can spend in the comfort of home.
3. Freedom from Waiting. Right now, online purchases take days, even weeks, to be delivered. Pixelizing America will insure that everything solid is transported through TVwaves into your very own home within a matter of seconds. Not only will you stay at home, but everything will come right through your computer screen.
4. Freedom from Generational Boundaries. In E-merica, economic duties can be completed by anyone, even children. This in and of itself will elevate the importance of raising children. Bratty little ones will punish the whole family and reduce their weekly point-income. Parents will not only have more time to raise their children, but the motivation to do so as well.
5. Freedom of AND from Relationships. Online relationships are the solution for so many of our problems. No longer will boyfriends complain that their girls are smothering them; arguments will be fought with words only – no domestic violence; teenagers will be safe from sexual predators and even! that innumerable list of sexually transmitted infections and diseases.
This is but a short list I have compiled of the benefits of pixelizing America. But as you can imagine, there is much to gain from online existence. (The full list that I have gathered can be found on my personal blog in a pdf file.)1
Of course, as a 21st century being, I recognize that some may argue that this proposal eliminates something very important to Americans today: the orgasm and procreation. Lest you forget, I shall remind you now of masturbatory practices and e-sperm banks. So consider this modest proposal and remember that
the future of E-merica is in your hands.
1www.theE-mericanDream.blogspot.com
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